Us humans often like to think (and hold tightly to) ideas about what is right and what is wrong. However, the reality is that in life right and wrong are never that clear. What is right for one person may be wrong for another, and likewise in one situation something may feel absolutely right, but in another it would feel wrong. You may feel certain that your opinion is right and someone else with an opposing opinion feels just as strongly about how right they are - so who is right? And who gets to decide that?
Us humans love to cling to a sense of certainty, security and control in our lives, and we create rules to help us with this. A lot of our rules focus on what is right and wrong. This helps us feel safe, and so it can be really uncomfortable to acknowledge the in-betweens and the grey areas.
I support a lot of clients with communication. When communicating opinions, feelings, needs and requests with others it is often tempting to believe strongly that we are right and have difficulty seeing things any other way. Rather than asking ‘am I right or wrong?” my suggestion is to refer to what I call The Three Magic Questions; is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
These questions are sometimes referred to as The Triple Filter Test. The origin of the questions are, I believe, unknown, but some reference Socrates or Plato.
Let’s explore…
Is it true?
Explore with openness and curiosity. Maybe you feel something strongly to be true. Your feelings are valid but they don’t necessarily convey the truth. Imagine you were having to argue this case in a courtroom. What evidence do you have? What are some other possibilities? Imagine (just imagine) the opposite of what you believe is true - could you make an argument for this alternative if you had to? How would this change things? How attached are you to your beliefs? How resistant are you to seeing this differently?
One of the mistakes us humans tend to make is that we assume other people think the same way we do and live by the same rules and expectations. So when someone acts in a way that we don’t understand, we make assumptions about why they did it and create stories about what it means.
We are never actually upset with anyone, we are upset with our story about them. And our stories will always inevitably include false judgments and assumptions.
Is it necessary?
Communication is important and boundaries are essential. There are times when it is important to quickly communicate our needs, establish boundaries, and do what we need to keep ourselves and others physically and emotionally safe. There are times when it is necessary to put our non-violent communication practices aside. An example that comes to my mind is, when several years ago, I was walking along Vivian Street (which is in the red light district in Wellington central) back to my nearby apartment. It was after dark, but not too late, around 9pm and there were other pedestrians about. An inebriated man with a cigarette sticking out of his mouth walked up to me, stood above me and refused to let me past on the sidewalk “F*** OFF!!” I yelled at him in the most violent, threatening communication I could muster. He let me go, and heart-pounding in my chest I hurried home. I will add (to hopefully restore some faith in humanity) that a man on the other side of the street saw what was going on and started running towards us shouting; “Hey!! Leave her alone!!” and once I was free to walk away a woman came up behind me and checked in to see that I was okay.
Was it possible that my side-walk guy was actually trying to be friendly and just wanted to ask me directions but was struggling with language? …Hmm… I guess there was a chance. But it absolutely was not worth waiting to find out.
So yes, there are times when it is necessary to act quickly and do what we need to do to stay safe. However, in most cases there is room to take a step back. When we feel triggered and there is stress in our system, our amygdala (what I often refer to as our little guard dog) is active, sending a message to our central nervous system that we are under threat and need to fight or flight. Inconveniently (but understandably, from an evolutionary perspective) our prefrontal cortex, which is our rational thinking, logical brain shuts down. Often when people are angry they describe it as seeing red or being blinded. In these moments we are literally in survival mode. We have a lot of really primitive (and really loud!) psychology that is not at all intuitive. When we have fear in our system, those parts of our brain literally do not know the difference between being chased by a lion and… our partner forgetting (again) to buy toilet paper. If we are actually being chased by a lion of course the only thing that matters is running away for dear life and we would need to believe that we are under great threat and that this problem is urgent and important.
To help your brain and system get the memo that you are not being chased by a lion, my suggestion is to come back to your breath and come back to your body. If you are familiar with iRest meditation you can come back to your sankalpa (inner resource, affirmations, heart-felt calling). Take any practices that help you to settle and soothe your central nervous system; let your brain know that actually you are okay, you are safe, this isn’t urgent.
When we ask “is it necessary?” we are checking in with our immediate safety and asking “what is my intention here?”; “what am I hoping to achieve?”
Do you need to have this conversation now or can it wait until you are feeling more safe and settled? Do you need to have this conversation at all or is it something for you to work through on an inner level or bring to your next coaching or therapy session?
Is it kind?
If you have established that the information is truthful and it is necessary for you to communicate this information to another person, how can you do so in the kindest way possible? Being kind looks different in different situations. I fully believe that yelling f*** off to the intimidating side-walk guy was the kindest thing I could do in that situation. Similarly, if I saw an unsupervised child run out in front of a car I would quickly run at them, grab them with force and pull them out the way (something I would obviously not do in a non-emergency). It might be a bit shocking, scary and uncomfortable for that child, but I think most would agree it would be the kindest and most necessary thing to do in that situation, for their safety and that of others.
In non-emergency situations, we can afford to more carefully consider the kindest approach to communication and boundary setting.
Us humans are sensitive creatures. No matter what someone's intentions are, if we feel attacked, we are very unlikely to listen, and the conversation will probably go downhill fast. If we feel attacked our primal instinct (which is really strong and loud by the way!) is to defend and attack, often at any cost. We have an innate drive to protect ourselves and feel safe.
What is the solution? Kindness.
I recommend starting the conversation with appreciation. Instead of jumping to the things that aren’t working and aren’t feeling good, start by acknowledging and expressing gratitude for the things you do appreciate about the other person/people.
The way this solution works is twofold:
It allows the other person to put down their armor. They are less likely to feel attacked, and are more likely to listen to you. There is a much greater chance of a constructive, healthy and positive conversation.
It supports you (the communicator initiator) to see things more clearly. Us humans have what is called a negativity bias. We tend to focus and give a lot more energy and attention to problems and the negative parts of life (another survival tool). So when we do have a problem we tend to hyper-focus on how awful it is and we miss seeing the full story. Have you ever noticed how when you are mad with someone for one thing you start remembering all of the other annoying things that they do? And you forget about all of the lovely things that they also do? By spending some time focusing on appreciation, kindness and gratitude it opens our mind and allows us to see the other person/people for who they really are (likely just a human trying their best and making mistakes like the rest of us) rather than an evil villain who needs to be punished.
Communication can be really hard sometimes, and a lot of practice is needed. The Three Magic Questions is one tool that I find helpful to come back to. I use it a lot in my personal life and in my work with clients. This tool is powerful and can help us strengthen relationships, form positive connections, express our needs and take care of ourselves and others.
If you, or someone you know, needs some additional support with communication, I would love to be able to help further. Please feel free to contact me here; www.maryrosedias.com/contact and you are welcome to book an appointment with me using this link; https://calendly.com/maryrosediaswellbeing